Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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