apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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