It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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