Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I came so hard my ears popped.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
