I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
