he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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