I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
