Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
