My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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