Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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