Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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