This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
