If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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