Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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