some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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