Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize