party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
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