I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
