Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
