i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
