she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The uberlube is also flammable
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
