New low: just hacked my moms facebook
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
