I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
