i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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