we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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