I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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