So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
