my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
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There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
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He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.