I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?