3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.