I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Such a big mess for such a small penis