Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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