i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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