this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
