I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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