She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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