Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
