I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
