Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wear drunk well.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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