wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
