Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
