I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
we're so committed to being not committed
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
