Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
