Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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