you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
