Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
