my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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