remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
