thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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