Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
