just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
