I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Sober January is a disaster.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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