If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
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apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
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i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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