My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
