Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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