Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
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you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
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I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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