His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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