well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
