so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
