The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
